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Spain-Holland WITH permission-but still its all so sad

by Marije / Posted 08/12/2008 / Updated 01/06/2009

Hello mums & dads,
Im looking for somebody in a similar situation.
Im Dutch, I have an eight month old baby daughter who was born in Spain. Her father is Spanish, we were together for over 6 years. When our daughter was just two months old, her father started to act very strangely. He had this sort of rage attacks, for no reason he could loose control completely. All though he always had a lot of (Spanish?) temper, this was very extreme and I did not understand what was going on. I tried to talk to him many times, but he was just very distand, also with our daughter. Some weeks later he told me that he did not know if he wanted to be with me. My world fell apart, but I decided to give him time and space, and went to Holland for a month (with our daughter). When I came back, he was still acting strange. I waited a little while longer, to see if he would go back to being himself again. After some weeks, nothing had changed and I decided to tie the knot myself, as living with this man who so suddenly had become a stranger was killing me, and this situation could not be good for the baby either. I told him I wanted to go to make arrangements for our house, for our baby. At first he was okay with that, but some days later he turned around 180 degrees. He told me that he wanted to be with me and our daugther, and that there was no way that he was going to give permission for our daughter to go with me to Holland. He made some threats as well, saying that he had spoken to a lawyer and that our baby would probably stay with him since he had a job, and I did not and therefor could not provide for the baby. Well, his words scared me a lot and I could not understand his behaviour at all: you see, now he was all sweet and carying again, spending time with the baby I was so confused. I was still thinking about what steps to take as the truth came out (I had to do some detective work to make it come out): during all this time that he was acting strange he was having an affair with another woman. There are no words to describe how betraided I felt.
The only good thing about it was that now that the truth was out he was more flexible in giving persmission for our daughter to live with me in Holland. We made a document which he signed, and now Im in Holland with our little girl.
After reading some of your stories, I realize that Im really lucky: at least I have my child with me. On the otherhand, I feel guilty for taken her away from her father, for taking her away from her grandparents (she is the only grandchild they have, and my ex is the only child they have). However, staying in Spain is not an option for me, since I have no job there, or family that could help out with the baby (family of my ex lives 400 kms away from where we were living)
Next week I have to go back to Spain to make arrangements for the house. Im also visiting my parents in law. I hope I can handle all the emotions.
Anyway, besides sharing my story, I was wondering if there are more people in a similar situation as mine. I have permission to live with my daughter in Holland, but still its all so sad. Its not just the deception of a family that could not be, but then there are like a million practical things for which you have to make arrangements.

Why could I not have fallen in love with my next door neighbour in Holland? ?

All the best for everybody on this forum.


From Pix / Posted: 15/01/2009
Hello Marije,

I feel so sorry for you and your daughter it all had to turn out like this. Good for you that you actually got the permission to leave, though! Id say it is very sound of you to grieve the loss of all that could have been - and I totally encourage you in keeping in touch with the in-laws and your ex, for your daughters sake.
I think youve done the good thing and played everything just by the rules, and I wish you loads of luck in your life back in Holland again.


From Avi / Posted: 13/02/2009
Hi Marije,
You are indeed lucky, as you have your daughter with me. I wish my ex was like you, who took our daughter to India, and on purpose she is keeping her away from me(the father) and all my family. And dont blame yourself for falling in love with a distant man and not your next door. We dont have control on it do we?
I really appriciate your actions, and I wish there are more mothers like you who at least are compassionate about feelings of your ex as a father and his family, while being betrayed.
From Carlos / Posted: 01/06/2009
I read your story and I am speechless!!!!! Women like you dont exist anymore. You got to have a good heart to make a difference between your marital problems and your child best interest. You are not lucky in your situation, you deserve it!! Your ex probably knows this too, believe me.

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